


I Wish

by snarkyscorp



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3246398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarkyscorp/pseuds/snarkyscorp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, Haru wakes up smiling. That same day, Makoto craves mackerel. What the hell is going on?? A cautionary tale of be careful what you wish for, maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [makoharuficfestival](http://makoharuficfestival.tumblr.com/) with _prompt #33: An Au where Makoto and Haru’s personality switches for a day and everyone is just wondering what the hell is going on_. Thanks to my beautiful A for the beta.

_I don't want you to leave_ is what he wants to say. _I love you, and I don't want you to leave, and I want things to always be like this between us. I want us to always be together._

What he actually says is, "Tokyo is a long way from here." 

It's not what he means or what he needs to tell Makoto, but as usual, it's all that comes out. While a million things swirl in Haru's head, the only words that fall off his tongue are the ones that don't matter. The easy, meaningless phrases to fill the silence. 

Makoto smiles in the warm way he does when he's humoring Haru. It's a different smile from the one when his whole face lights up. "It's not _that_ far. And I will come back as often as I can to see you. And you can visit me as often as you want. There will always be a place for you with me, Haru-chan." 

Haru's face warms. He makes a soft, dismissive noise and turns aside, staring out at the ocean from his seat on the sand beside Makoto. 

_I can't let you go_ is what he wants to say. _I can't let you go, and I wish I could tell you that._

What he actually says is nothing. 

*** 

Makoto watches Haru ascend the stairs to his house, waits for him to disappear into the darkness, and then finally releases the breath he's been holding for an hour, slumps his shoulders, and lets a true expression of fatigue surface. He and Haru have been friends for so long that Makoto can read between his best friend's lines, but...sometimes that can be exhausting, even for him. There's nothing he wouldn't do for Haru, but he just wishes Haru would say what he's thinking once in a while instead of bottling everything up in his stoicism. Makoto knows there are a billion emotions wrestling beneath the still surface of Haru's face: he just wants to see them every once in a while. 

If only he could understand things from Haru's point of view. Then, maybe he would be able to tell him the real truth. That he's been looking at two bedroom apartments in Tokyo and part-time jobs so he can afford to bring Haru with him. Haru wouldn't have to work; he could just go to school for swimming like he wants and not have to worry about anything. Makoto would take care of him. 

Would Haru even want to? Would that be weird? 

No, what Makoto really wants is _one_ bedroom. What he really wants is to share everything, all of his space and things and time, with Haru. But that thought is pushed down and down and down until it's smothered and Makoto's stomach hurts from repressing it. He's loved Haru his entire life, since the first moment they met, but he can't tell if Haru feels the same or if he's just...comfortable. 

It would be too easy for them to just live together for that reason, but it's not what Makoto wants. Not truly. 

It's dark in his house as he enters. He toes off his shoes and tiptoes into his bedroom, flopping down on his back and locking hands behind his head as his legs stretch out before him. His skin itches from all the places Haru hasn't touched, and when he closes his eyes, he can still see Haru's face, illuminated by the dim moonlight and the reflection from the ocean. The blue of his eyes depthless. 

_I wish I could understand him completely._

*** 

When Haru wakes up the next morning, something is different. He _feels_ different. Looking himself over as he sits up in bed, his skin feels the same, his clothes fit the same, and his body appears unchanged. He checks his hands, his feet, ruffles his hair - nothing. It's only when he gets to the mirror in the bathroom that he sees. He sees what's different. 

Nanase Haruka is smiling, and he can't figure out how to turn the expression off. 

*** 

Makoto stands in front of Haru's house for a full ten minutes. He's nearly shaking. The scowl on his face feels out of place, and the anxiety coursing through him is startling in its intensity. He actually felt a little afraid to leave his house, a little too excited to find Haru to ask him for help. Words which had always before felt easy now strain on his tongue or catch in his throat, and he finds it's incredibly hard to work a smile onto his face. 

He doesn't _feel_ like smiling. 

Just as he raises his fist to knock, the door swings open. Standing before him is a boy he doesn't know. 

It's Haru, sure, but it's...it's also not Haru. His smile is too wide and his eyes are too bright, and he just looks like he wants to hug Makoto or something. Makoto notices this and immediately takes a wary step back, brow knitted at his best friend. 

"Something's happened to you, too," Haru says. That he's the first to speak is worrisome; that Makoto doesn't know what to say in response is worse. "I feel really funny, Mako-chan." 

_Mako-chan_? 

"Don't add _-chan_ to my name like that," Makoto says sullenly. The desire to keep Haru at an emotional arm's distance is automatic and a little jarring. It's not what he wants to say to Haru or how he wants to say it, but he says it anyway. 

"Why not? You always call me _Haru-chan_ , and I don't mind." 

Makoto stares down at his feet. Haru has always minded. Hasn't he? Isn't he always the one snapping not to add _-chan_ to his name and all that? It sort of makes Makoto angry, but he can't even force that emotion into his expression. It's like there's a big wall built up between him and the rest of the world, and the scariest thought in his mind is having to break that down and share something real. 

Despite that, he doesn't actually mind hearing _-chan_ added to his name like that. Even though he says one thing, he feels another. It's a weird, awkward concept for an overly honest guy like Makoto to wrap his head around. 

"Makoto," Haru goes on. "I'm serious. I feel weird. Like I'm not myself." 

Makoto understands. He understands too well. Yet the only thing he says is, "I'll cook us some mackerel," and moves past Haru and into his place, straight to the kitchen. 

"Maybe I should call Nagisa and Rei," Haru muses, but it's like he's talking to himself. "Maybe we should go to the doctor, Makoto." 

Makoto cooks the mackerel in silence, accepting the ingredients from Haru with unspoken thanks. It's weird. He's thinking _thank you_ every time Haru hands him something, but he can't get the words out. And when Haru says something smart or funny, he wants smile or laugh but can't manage the emotions. They weigh him down until it feels like he's got bricks stacked on his shoulders. 

Somehow, he relaxes a bit more as he cooks, and he does his best to season it the way he knows Haru likes it. It's not strange to always be thinking of Haru - that's what Makoto's always doing - but this feels different. It's the _only_ thing he can think about. Like the rest of the world has melted away and all that's left is Haru and Makoto's love for him. 

When they sit down to eat, Haru is the one who says _itadakimasu_ , and Makoto is the silent one. 

*** 

The next day, Haru wakes up early. He checks his phone for the first time in what feels like years, and there's a jolt of excitement in his gut when he sees a text from Nagisa. All it says is _good morning!!!_ , but it makes Haru endlessly happy to just have a message like that waiting for him first thing. Checking his message history, he notices Nagisa has sent the same message every day for the past year. 

He's never responded. 

There's a message from Rei from two months ago, asking for tips on freestyle technique. That too, remains unanswered. 

The worst, though, is that there are a thousand texts from Makoto, half of which are unanswered. They're really, really nice things, simple things, like asking how Haru is, what he's up to, if he wants to come over for dinner or to play video games, or to hang out with him and the twins. Haru's stomach twists as he reads the last year of Makoto's life through his texts and realizes how horrible he's been not to respond in equal fervor. It's not as if he didn't want to, before, but now, his heart aches at all the things left unsaid. 

It strikes him as odd suddenly, how he could just ignore his phone when it rang, or how most days he just didn't even bring it with him because it was too much hassle. Was it really that much trouble, just to respond to a quick text or phone call from the people he loved? 

After dressing, Haru makes his way down the staircase and to Makoto's house, ringing the bell. He only has to stand there for a minute before the door opens and Makoto's mother answers, a smile on her face. 

"Haruka!" she says. "How are you?" Her expression contorts, just a little. "You look different. Are you--" 

The words are barely out of her mouth before Ren and Ran nearly knock her down to get to him. Haru bends to give them a warm, welcoming hug as they jump and climb on him, both talking over the other. 

"Haru-chan!" 

"Haru-chan!" 

"We're so glad you're here!" Ran finally says, grabbing one of Haru's hands. 

"Yeah, onii-chan is acting really weird," Ren adds, grabbing the other hand. 

Together, they pull Haru in, while Tachibana-san looks on laughing and closes the door behind them. 

"Easy!" Haru says, laughing. "What's the matter with you two?" 

"Onii-chan has been in the bathroom for a half hour," Ran complains. 

"And he won't come to the door when we call him! Not even when we fibbed and said you were here." 

"And he said not to bother him!" 

"But we want to make sure he's okay!" 

Haru laughs, rubbing the back of his neck as both children let his hands go. "I'll check on him, but I'm sure he's fine." Still, it's odd. Makoto is very quick with baths, and he isn't one to monopolize time in the only bathroom they have between five people. "Thank you." 

Ren and Ran step back and then rush off to find their mother, leaving Haru to check on Makoto alone, which is best, since who knows what the guy is doing in there _alone_. 

Just imagining that makes Haru feel a little guilty. Makoto's not like that, after all. It's wrong to think about his best friend in that way, even though Haru realizes it's certainly not the first time he's ever pictured Makoto naked in the water. Usually, Haru's the one bathing and Makoto is the fantasy coming into the picture, but-- 

_No! No no no no._ Haru isn't going to let himself get carried away with something so perverted! Makoto could be hurt, after all. He just needs to check up on him. This isn't about anything like _that_. 

First, he tries knocking. When there's no answer, Haru clears his throat and calls Makoto's name. When there's no answer to that either, he pries open the door until Makoto slowly comes into view. In the bathtub, Makoto is sprawled out, his long legs hanging off to one side since his large stature makes for bad bathing posture. Head underwater, light hair waving, Haru can just make out the green of his eyes under the surface. Bubbles pop up from his breathing, and he looks…. 

Haru finds himself smiling. Beaming, nearly. He closes the door behind him and walks through the warmth to look down at the guy. 

_Beautiful._ Haru wants to tell Makoto he's beautiful. Like he belongs there in the water. 

"We're going to be late for school," Haru says, leaning over and offering his hand. 

Makoto comes up to the surface with a small sound, breathing in, shaking wet hair from his face. He pulls his legs in, jammers no longer visible as he sits up. Like that, Makoto looks even more beautiful, drops of water gliding down his smooth, handsome face, catching on his strong chin, rolling over his Adam's apple. He glances aside, sighs, and then accepts Haru's hand in his. Except when Haru tries to pull Makoto up, Makoto winds up pulling Haru down, and they both end up in the bathtub together, water sloshing out onto the floor. 

They make so much noise slipping around, knocking things off the bath shelves, that Tachibana-san eventually walks in, gasping at the sight. 

"I-I'm so sorry!!" she apologizes, covering her face. "Excuse me!" 

Ren and Ran peek around her, laughing as Haru leaps out of the water like it just burned him, his face just as red for it too. "N-No! It's not---! We weren't--!! P-lease excuse me, Tachibana-san!" he cries, covering his own face like a child as he runs out of the room to find somewhere dry to hide. 

Makoto gets up slowly, standing to drip off in the tub for a moment. Then, he grabs a towel and calmly dries off as he meanders to his room without a word, seemingly unfazed by the whole situation. 

*** 

Makoto is fazed. He is. He's freaking out, actually, but it's all internal. On his face, there's no emotional reaction to his mother walking in on he and Haru in the bath together. No reaction to his siblings seeing him with another man like that. No reaction to Haruka's obvious embarrassment over the situation. 

What if his mother asks about he and Haru? What is Makoto supposed to tell her? What if the twins tell someone at school or a neighbor finds out? What if Haru thinks it's awful and Makoto secretly really likes it? 

Makoto feels like it is too easy to lie, to put up the wall again, to hide. It doesn't seem like Haru minds; he's quick to change the subject, to steer the conversation elsewhere, while Makoto's heart crushes beneath his lungs, twisting in agony. 

All he can think is how Haru looked when he stood over the bathtub just then. The flicker of light behind him. His beautiful face illuminated so gently. Those blue eyes fathomless as the sea. 

Inside, he feels like a tornado, twisting and churning with emotional debris he can't sort through. Outside, he's a calm facade. 

It's a horrible feeling. 

*** 

"Eh..o-oi, Haru-chan, don't look at me like that!" Nagisa cries, jumping and shielding himself behind Rei. 

Haru blinks, his brows turned up and his smile a little uncertain now. "What's the matter, Nagisa-kun?" 

Rei gives him a weird look too. "H-Haruka-senpai… You look...ah….well--" 

"You look scary when you smile!!" Nagisa shouts. 

"You're all being too loud," Makoto grumbles off to the side. He's already out of his school shirt and halfway out of his pants. Everyone, including Haru, turns to look at him, but Makoto doesn't pay them any mind. 

"Makoto-senpai had jammers on under his clothes," Rei muses quietly, eyes wide as he watches Makoto dive into the pool and take off to start practice. 

"Just like Haru-chan," Nagisa agrees. 

Both of them glance to Haru, who stands stock still, his own eyes on the splash of water Makoto left in his wake. It's sort of sad, seeing Makoto shed his clothes like a second skin, watching him dive seamlessly into the water and into a world that Haru doesn't feel right now that he can join him in. 

Then, he remembers it's Makoto's dream to swim free, and so he smiles. 

Rei and Nagisa jump again, but Haru waves them off. "It's fine, it's fine. Let's change. We should get to practice." 

"Um, Haru-chan, is everything alright?" Nagisa asks, as they make their way back to the pool. 

"Of course," Haru assures him, patting Nagisa on the shoulder. "Come on. Let's give it our best today!" 

Haru's only gone half a lap before he hears Gou shriek from outside of the pool. Poking his head up, he peels his goggles back. Makoto swims up beside him, and Haru likes that. Likes feeling his warmth there beside him. It brings a little color to his face, but in a way he doesn't mind. 

"What's the matter?" Haru asks. 

"I thought you only swam free!" Gou gasps. 

"I do." 

But that's not Haru saying it - it's Makoto.


End file.
